Hi all, this is a post that is purely meant to be funny, it will explain that the rice that is “so easy” to cook isn’t, and that it is easier to buy it elsewhere.

2 Minute Rice is a product created by Uncle Bens (I’m sure other companies have too but still), and the instructions are to: 1. Squeeze the packet to separate the rice 2. Tear a 2cm cut into the top of the packet 3. Place in the microwave and put it on for 2 minutes

Now these steps may sound easy, but they are not, they are extremely difficult. The first step is almost impossible because you have to be fragile with the rice, you can’t just pummel them, you have to treat them like royalty, because they break easily and are going to be feeding you after all, so broken rice cannot suffice, since when they are broken their guts go everywhere.

The second step is truly hard because if you don’t know how to measure 2 centimetres then you could end up chopping the top of the packet off. Even if you do learn to measure 2 centimetres (which is only taught in the best Universities), you will not know where to tear from, is it that cut that is ready for you to tear from and says “tear here”?, or is it that place at the bottom where gravity has made all the rice go.

How do you set the microwave for 2 minutes? This is baffling because there is a weird setting that allows you to cook at p50 – p100, and choosing the wrong one could mean uncooked / overcooked rice. Uncooked rice is the most poisonous food in the world, worse than Salmonella poisoning, billions of people each year are taken to hospital to have life or death surgery to remove the rice as soon as possible.

Lastly what do the mean by place? Do you chuck it in the microwave and hope for the best? Or do you gently put a cushion underneath it incase it gets uncomfortable for that long 2 minute period.

2 minutes is a long time also, the rice may get fed up and leave the microwave during the time of cooking, because lets face it, there is no TV, computer, handheld console, or anything else in there with them, so you may have to cater for it for that long time.

Rice only have a short life span, the average rice live for about 2 days, and to take them out of that busy life they life and shove them in a bag, let alone a microwave is preposterous, and very insulting to every rice in the world. If we are not careful then World War 3 will be the rice against the humans, because of unsatisfactory conditions.

Thankyou all for reading

Written by James Wade